We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
