I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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