I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
