can u get pink eye on your cock?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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