dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
