I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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