Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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