God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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