I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
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