cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He shit in the fireplace
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
