super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
