and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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