its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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