Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
