Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
