Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
