shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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