i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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