Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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