Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
