So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize