here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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