First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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