I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
