Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
