never play flip cup with pint glasses
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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