Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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