Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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