so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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