I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
