So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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