The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
