Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
