Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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