i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
