My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
