took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
