I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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