nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
