things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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