Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
