TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
God, I missed his penis.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
