I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
