running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
