I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
