John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
this hospital has no fireball
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
