someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize