So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My bed smells like the plague
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