Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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