Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
