Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
