remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
