somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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